Lone Raindrops

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Last Monday I moved house again. I have lost count of how many times I’ve moved; of how many times I’ve flicked through old pages holding encounters, woes, stories only I know. It has been 13 days since I wrote in my journal. The turquoise book seemed buried too deep and it felt as though I had too much to write yet I was emptied of writing. Somehow I could not bare the task of writing my thoughts, emotions and events, it all appeared far too heavy and I needed rest from constructing sentences out of pain that produced joy.

Sometimes we need to empty ourselves. We need to let ourselves breathe; let ourselves be still; and let ourselves ponder.

Circumstances arise when we need them and God knows what we need and when we need it most. Our challenges are to bring us closer to accomplishing great things. They provide us with moments to acknowledge our blessings and they are opportunities to be stronger, braver, and more resilient time and time again. Through each challenge we are prepared for the next, we gain more compassion or patience or self-belief. We build upon our foundations with each difficult experience, layering comprehension of this earth life.

‘Imagine for a moment that you are a drop of water. As it happens, you are a very unique little drop – beautifully shaped, with only a cute little distortion in the way you reflect the light. People praise your beauty, and in time you come to believe that you are special.

But as time goes on, you become lonely. You long for the companionship of an other – another drop of water who will love you as you love it and help you feel less alone. You find that other, or you don’t; you fall in love, or you don’t.

And then one day it starts to rain. Seven billion drops of rain fall in a single afternoon and you are no longer alone. Briefly, you touch mitochondria with a single raindrop and before you know it, two have become one. You are still alone, but you are larger than before. With each drop of water you merge with, your entire being expands, until all seven billion drops become one ocean.

And you are still alone. And all is well.’

{Michael Neill, The Space Within -Finding Your Way Back Home}

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God’s Spirit

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At times it can be difficult to see all of the blessings in our lives. It can feel as though we are only facing challenge after challenge. Just remember, brighter days will find you.

Today is my one year baptism anniversary into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So here is a poem I wrote on the 16/04/16.  Click here to find out more.

A Spirit I am, a Spirit I was, a Spirit I’ll be
Wandering fruitfully across earthern plaines
In two legged bodies of speckled flesh
Journey through darkness, pushed on through sadness
Tumbled into tornadoes of utter despair
Growing and building, developing and learning
Making choices, breaking promises, falling from grace
Into abyss of nothingness before rising again
Bolder, brighter, bountifully exalted
Worthy of singing ‘come, follow me’
Chasing the light like trails of fireflies
Diving and leaping through lake, river and sea
Head first into peaceful purification
Where woes of mind’s past sink between crabs
I dissolve into weightlessness taking flight in the clouds
Past angels breathing stardust into my palms
All truth is revealed in God’s gracious smile
With soft words dancing upon cooing doves
A Spirit you are, a Spirit you were, a Spirit you’ll be

Getting Over Life’s Doubts

In the past week I had been experiencing intense doubts about myself, my life, my abilities, my purpose, my choices, my religion and my goals. A momentary combustion occurred and I had what I deem a quarter life crisis one week after I turned the ripe age of 25.

We all experience this at some time in our lives. We all wonder where our life is heading and if we are going in the right direction. We all consider if we had taken a different route how our lives would now be more fulfilling and more successful. We all question our skills and ask if we are good enough, if we are good enough to believe in ourselves and if we really do have something valuable to offer the world.

In these times, we can remember that there are people who need help, there are people all around us who need uplifting, supporting and comforting. Through our own doubts and fears, if we can gather the courage to focus not on our own conflict of the heart but on the needs of others then truly we will be lost in a good work. Maybe in reality this is only escape and distraction from our personal turmoil but when this emotional chaos hits what better way to expand our energies than by looking outside of ourselves?

Take a look around. Begin with simple gestures. Send kind messages. Offer honest compliments. Take part in community service. Buy a Big Issue. Share the skills that you have. Volunteer abroad. Strive to become more patient and loving. Talk to a stranger. Share inspiring media. Develop a new talent that will benefit others.

Each day as we wake and rise we have this gift of life, we have a new opportunity to create our life as we want it to be, to decide where we will put our energy.

Rob Bell Quote

  • Begin whatever you’re doing by remembering that you are here and you have been given a gift.’

Ask yourself these questions:

  • ‘How am I going to respond to this life I have been given?
  • ‘What am I going to do with it?’
  • “What am I going to make here?’
  • ‘What new and good thing is going to come out of this experience?’
  • ‘What kind of life am I creating?’

(Rob Bell. How to be Here, A Guide to a Life worth Living)

*If you’re feeling brave, feel free to comment your answers

Spaces for Thinking and Writing

We live together, we co-inhabit,
Yet we merely pass between corridors
An hour before
My feet walk upon carpets we share,
Rarely we share anything else,
Rarely we exchange thoughts
Or feelings or laughter,
In these seven months
In this terraced house
Stacked between rows and rows
Of closed doors and littered porches,
Except for number 25
Who posted a Christmas card
And made me smile.

Friends are not things I can manifest,
Fairies were friends, books were friends,
Paper, a pen were friends,
Instead of talking to people
I write words that make no sense
Because they don’t listen anyway,
There’s nothing to talk about,
How can I be a friend
If I have nothing to say?
I’ll speak with my heart, with my arms,
With my hands, with my eyes,
With my silence, with my soul,
And you can try to understand
The gentle whispers I leave
That become lost in a crowded room.

My life is connected by experiences,
Hazy and distant collaborated
Alongside blank spaces
In which time is only for one thing,
As people live, socialise, talk, gather,
It is only imminent
That I attempt to comprehend
This world we live in,
Through tears and joy,
Pains and fears,
Through everything in between
That hasn’t found its way into the dictionary,
More of my life is for pondering upon this life
Than living this life,
For thinking, observing, analysing
Human tendencies, actions, words,
Feelings below the surface
Requiring x-ray vision on the soul.

Some parts are more interesting than others,
Some people I dive into more than others,
I’m not afraid of that,
But there’s a lot of pain around here,
I need to jump back out,
Clean my spirit,
Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of,
That the purpose of it all,
Is only to write about it all.

I Don’t Believe the Masters Degree

I beg for the fire in my soul
To come alive, come alive again,
The world is too cruel,
Too dark, too narcissistic,
Too money obsessed, too careless,
Too confused, too chaotic,
Its dull eyes reach
For my sparkling blue
Reflection of the sky
That I cling to
With dear might
With all of my might
Like the super moon
Holding onto gravity
So it doesn’t fall
Crashing into our oceans
And creating tsunamis,
Waves wiping out civilisations
Because they dismissed love,
Forgot to breathe with the earth
Forgot to cry for the trees
Forgot to dance with the sun
Setting and rising
Nourishing cornfields or apple trees
Hidden behind closed doors
Of a farmyard’s gates,
Silently growing, slowly changing
Sprouted from a first seedling
Amidst curling, swirling winds of fury,
Seas parted, tectonic plates arose
In scattered volcanoes
Whose lava smouldered
A history lost to the stars
A world unknown
A life not ours
A planet lived upon
In time and in tunnels of time
Travelling through time
But not yet from our time,
A God doesn’t live by time
He lives outside of laws
Manifested by human perceptions
Incapable of flying to space
Behind closed eyes
But they even try
To put God in a box
Only because
They don’t know Him enough
To know that He is free.

Our Lives are Governed by Divine Timing

Tomorrow I had planned to go to Ramsgate for a bbq and fun on the beach with friends. A friend’s mother was going to be driving us over and giving us a life back. Today I received a message saying their car was out of MOT so they could not drive there and although it is only a couple of hours train ride away I have not the funds for the journey.

I had been exchanging messages with a friend I had met last year on the train. Trains were delayed and we connected through our love for travel, our misplacement in the world, our confusion with closed people who didn’t care for community, and our fond ways with words. She invited me to stay at her place in a town close to Ramsgate this same week. But I could not get there and I could not get to the bbq. Out of nowhere, my sister is going to this same town with her friends to stay for the exact night of this bbq. And so it has worked out that I am able to travel to this place, to go to the bbq and the beach, to stay with my friend, to explore, to connect with a human being who I share deep similarities with and to have a ride home the next day.

This is just a representation of the way the universe works. That everything has purpose, each event happens for a reason, and you will be taken to where ever you are supposed to be because it is all in the plan. When things fall apart, there is something else coming together. When it seems that you are discouraged and disheartened and all of those little things are going wrong, the pieces will come back together. You are always in the right place at the right time for whatever it is you need at that time and you just have to keep going. Keep moving forward and the answers will arrive in their own divine timing exactly when you are ready.

Losing, searching for, and finding Home

For the things we truly love, we must make sacrifices. Sometimes we must forget the self that we think we are.

Sometimes we must have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be with.

This is how we find our way home.

Home. Home can be an empty word that has no meaning. Home and I never established a solid relationship, and so I was searching for this place where I could belong and where my heart could rest at peace and where I could be rooted to grow as a tiny sapling.

I had attempted to quit smoking many times before. Walking home at night in the rain I made oaths with myself to end the habit and I tried over and over to convince myself I did not need it. At work, every hour, I would step outside to drag for five minutes on this token of freedom from an uncomfortable social situation that pained me to stand amongst. A cigarette represented an escape. A way out of all of the voices going around inside my head while I didn’t know how to speak, how to be alive, how to be amongst other human beings. So I would think and think about the next opportunity to hold that rolled tobacco between my fingers and run from this world that made no sense to me so I could be alone in the open air and my thoughts could slump into numbed relaxation.

When my anxieties attacked at every angle within the depths of my soul, it was always there to lean upon like a dummy in the pocket of a baby long grown out of suckling years. I had no money, but always had enough to smoke. And perhaps if I hadn’t given myself away so easily to a destructive relationship it would have been only half the climb back up.

Never again will I allow myself to be submissive to something that does not understand me, respect me, or love me as I am.

Never again will I lose sense of my true self, or hide my self, or be afraid to express the love that I am.

My life was filled with people who hid their love behind closed doors or had been hurt so much they had forgotten how to love, maybe they never knew how to love. And I don’t mean love between a man and a woman I mean human love, spiritual love, love for all; love that transcends you because you love all people with their flaws and mistakes and sacrifice yourself just so you can show others a pure love and how to love themselves with words and actions and a new chain of thought that stops them from thinking they are ugly, or worthless, or inadequate, or alone.

You can start to view each person as a brother or a sister on this journey together, each needing a hand to hold and someone to show them the way.

Sometimes I get frustrated because the cats persist to excrete in the garden, odours of scattered rubbish waft along the street, the lounge is not homely enough to relax in, and I’ve had little money for food, no way of travelling anywhere except by foot, and feelings of despair. But I got out of all of those other places that sucked me down and teared me and grasped at me with a million hands. I do have a roof over my head, I have a bed, a hot shower, a stove, trees around the corner and a river down the road, and I have people who want to help me; people who genuinely care because they love all. There is no arguing in my house, no smoking, no drinking, no loud swearing, and I am safe from the outside world. This may sound terribly boring but in fact it is incredibly humbling to have so little of material value but instead live through having nothing and nowhere and no-one so you are able to feel the deepest gratitude for the most simple, peaceful blessings.

I live in a house, yet it is not my home. A search for my home began too long ago to tell. I was looking for something that could not be found. The earth is my home. The whole of the earth. Wherever I may go, I am home.