Lone Raindrops

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Last Monday I moved house again. I have lost count of how many times I’ve moved; of how many times I’ve flicked through old pages holding encounters, woes, stories only I know. It has been 13 days since I wrote in my journal. The turquoise book seemed buried too deep and it felt as though I had too much to write yet I was emptied of writing. Somehow I could not bare the task of writing my thoughts, emotions and events, it all appeared far too heavy and I needed rest from constructing sentences out of pain that produced joy.

Sometimes we need to empty ourselves. We need to let ourselves breathe; let ourselves be still; and let ourselves ponder.

Circumstances arise when we need them and God knows what we need and when we need it most. Our challenges are to bring us closer to accomplishing great things. They provide us with moments to acknowledge our blessings and they are opportunities to be stronger, braver, and more resilient time and time again. Through each challenge we are prepared for the next, we gain more compassion or patience or self-belief. We build upon our foundations with each difficult experience, layering comprehension of this earth life.

‘Imagine for a moment that you are a drop of water. As it happens, you are a very unique little drop – beautifully shaped, with only a cute little distortion in the way you reflect the light. People praise your beauty, and in time you come to believe that you are special.

But as time goes on, you become lonely. You long for the companionship of an other – another drop of water who will love you as you love it and help you feel less alone. You find that other, or you don’t; you fall in love, or you don’t.

And then one day it starts to rain. Seven billion drops of rain fall in a single afternoon and you are no longer alone. Briefly, you touch mitochondria with a single raindrop and before you know it, two have become one. You are still alone, but you are larger than before. With each drop of water you merge with, your entire being expands, until all seven billion drops become one ocean.

And you are still alone. And all is well.’

{Michael Neill, The Space Within -Finding Your Way Back Home}

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Our Lives are Governed by Divine Timing

Tomorrow I had planned to go to Ramsgate for a bbq and fun on the beach with friends. A friend’s mother was going to be driving us over and giving us a life back. Today I received a message saying their car was out of MOT so they could not drive there and although it is only a couple of hours train ride away I have not the funds for the journey.

I had been exchanging messages with a friend I had met last year on the train. Trains were delayed and we connected through our love for travel, our misplacement in the world, our confusion with closed people who didn’t care for community, and our fond ways with words. She invited me to stay at her place in a town close to Ramsgate this same week. But I could not get there and I could not get to the bbq. Out of nowhere, my sister is going to this same town with her friends to stay for the exact night of this bbq. And so it has worked out that I am able to travel to this place, to go to the bbq and the beach, to stay with my friend, to explore, to connect with a human being who I share deep similarities with and to have a ride home the next day.

This is just a representation of the way the universe works. That everything has purpose, each event happens for a reason, and you will be taken to where ever you are supposed to be because it is all in the plan. When things fall apart, there is something else coming together. When it seems that you are discouraged and disheartened and all of those little things are going wrong, the pieces will come back together. You are always in the right place at the right time for whatever it is you need at that time and you just have to keep going. Keep moving forward and the answers will arrive in their own divine timing exactly when you are ready.

Losing, searching for, and finding Home

For the things we truly love, we must make sacrifices. Sometimes we must forget the self that we think we are.

Sometimes we must have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be with.

This is how we find our way home.

Home. Home can be an empty word that has no meaning. Home and I never established a solid relationship, and so I was searching for this place where I could belong and where my heart could rest at peace and where I could be rooted to grow as a tiny sapling.

I had attempted to quit smoking many times before. Walking home at night in the rain I made oaths with myself to end the habit and I tried over and over to convince myself I did not need it. At work, every hour, I would step outside to drag for five minutes on this token of freedom from an uncomfortable social situation that pained me to stand amongst. A cigarette represented an escape. A way out of all of the voices going around inside my head while I didn’t know how to speak, how to be alive, how to be amongst other human beings. So I would think and think about the next opportunity to hold that rolled tobacco between my fingers and run from this world that made no sense to me so I could be alone in the open air and my thoughts could slump into numbed relaxation.

When my anxieties attacked at every angle within the depths of my soul, it was always there to lean upon like a dummy in the pocket of a baby long grown out of suckling years. I had no money, but always had enough to smoke. And perhaps if I hadn’t given myself away so easily to a destructive relationship it would have been only half the climb back up.

Never again will I allow myself to be submissive to something that does not understand me, respect me, or love me as I am.

Never again will I lose sense of my true self, or hide my self, or be afraid to express the love that I am.

My life was filled with people who hid their love behind closed doors or had been hurt so much they had forgotten how to love, maybe they never knew how to love. And I don’t mean love between a man and a woman I mean human love, spiritual love, love for all; love that transcends you because you love all people with their flaws and mistakes and sacrifice yourself just so you can show others a pure love and how to love themselves with words and actions and a new chain of thought that stops them from thinking they are ugly, or worthless, or inadequate, or alone.

You can start to view each person as a brother or a sister on this journey together, each needing a hand to hold and someone to show them the way.

Sometimes I get frustrated because the cats persist to excrete in the garden, odours of scattered rubbish waft along the street, the lounge is not homely enough to relax in, and I’ve had little money for food, no way of travelling anywhere except by foot, and feelings of despair. But I got out of all of those other places that sucked me down and teared me and grasped at me with a million hands. I do have a roof over my head, I have a bed, a hot shower, a stove, trees around the corner and a river down the road, and I have people who want to help me; people who genuinely care because they love all. There is no arguing in my house, no smoking, no drinking, no loud swearing, and I am safe from the outside world. This may sound terribly boring but in fact it is incredibly humbling to have so little of material value but instead live through having nothing and nowhere and no-one so you are able to feel the deepest gratitude for the most simple, peaceful blessings.

I live in a house, yet it is not my home. A search for my home began too long ago to tell. I was looking for something that could not be found. The earth is my home. The whole of the earth. Wherever I may go, I am home.

 

Reading Old Diaries of a Different Self

As I pack my belongings for another time surrounded by cardboard boxes, stacks of books, clothes I discard to charity shops, and memories scribbled in diaries I read my past dreams and wonder how it was ever possible to of been all of those different people I once was.

A dream that has remained constant since I was 12 to find happiness; to end the suffering; to know love. When I was 14 I confessed considering cutting my wrists but cast this thought aside with an overpowering desire to see my future self. Even then in all of the darkness and loneliness I knew that some day it wouldn’t be painful to be alive and that someday struggling through without physically hurting myself would be worth it. Emotionally I caused myself a lot of pain but that was induced by low confidence and low self-esteem that I attempted to build by cutting out positive encouragement from magazines.

Still today, occasionally the feeling of lost desperation overtakes my passion to succeed in life and I become incapable of fighting for any dreams. My dreams always change. Lists of goals stain multiple white pages, a few fulfilled, always many incomplete. Does it matter that I have trails of unfulfilled dreams? Thinking that each of these goals will lead me to happiness and success and a better life than I have now. Thinking that by completing each goal I will improve myself, I will be a more valued human being, I will be more capable, I will have more rights to be alive because I am more useful to society. Truthfully if I am supposed to learn something it will be learned without my efforts. If there is a talent to be bestowed upon me it will naturally occur and lack of patience is the only enemy. So I trust in the universe that through the pain and the suffering however long it may last, on the other side there will be more than I could ever have dreamed of.

What to do about bullies?

 

In life people will manipulate you, mortify you, patronise you, disrespect you, and lie to you. What can we do? How are we to overcome the feelings that are initiated by these somewhat despicable human beings? In most cases I can sustain my inner peace. I am able to accept that nobody is perfect and people act in these ways for reasons that are out of their control. But why should I immediately forgive someone and keep quiet about persistent behaviour that is purposefully used in attempts to degrade my self-esteem, isolate me, and crush my spirits? This is what angers me most, and in these rare moments I feel the anger build up inside me to reach a point where my natural reaction is a desire to inflict pain using violence. I know this is not beneficial to me and it does not ensure that the person causing this pain feels remorseful or compassionate but I want them to know what I feel; I want them to understand the unwelcome feelings they create within my body; I want them to see how it’s not right, it’s not humane and it’s not the way they should treat fellow people. Yet they continue as if all is well with not a care in the world and treating other people in the same way. How do we put an end to this brutality that divides humanity? How do we teach these bullies a lesson so they will cease to be repeat offenders of emotional abuse?