Helping a friend is helping yourself

Last night my friend and I had arranged to do some vegan gluten-free baking and after a busy day I relaxed my body into the sofa and closed my eyes in satisfaction with the small tasks I had accomplished. As I scrolled down my Facebook newsfeed I came across a friend I had met only a couple of times, post a call for help. She was moving and her father had broken her foot so she needed help loading a van. I immediately contacted her and cancelled the evening of baking feeling the need of assisting this woman who was unable to complete her moving alone. I walked to her house as darkness was falling. She said that her male friends who she’d known for years had refused help because they feared damaging her furniture and I was grateful that I could be there to help, honoured even to be helping such a courageous, independent, beautiful woman. Her neighbour appeared a little later as we gradually cleared her hallway of vintage furniture, old books, and classic designer clothes.

Her home reminded me of a self that I once was, years ago, before I travelled . I felt as though I had forgotten this part of myself that loved checkered pencil skirts, the smell of old books, and spending an evening painting. My belongings had been scattered again and I had not been surrounded by own style and my own preferences. I had been lost in the work of The Lord, consumed by the desire to learn the scriptures and to progress in the Kingdom of God so much because that was all I had to hold on to. While everything around me seemed challenging and regressive I held tightly to God’s words hoping and praying that I would achieve the things I needed to continue moving forward and to continue creating a life that I wanted to live rather than being engulfed in a world I had begun to detest.

And from this act of service I was offered a vintage rocking chair and luxurious hot chocolate infused with orange teabags that the three of us sat and drank. These two women spoke about their health, one had recently passed kidney stones and had revelation about taking care of her health. The other woman had an eating issue and was underweight. As we talked, we listened, we advised, we cared and we understood. Each of us had been in situations where we knew no way out, we had felt alone and had no-one to turn to. But now, I turn to God. I turn to Jesus Christ. And I know that they are there, listening to my every word, eagerly awaiting for me to ask for the things that will get me out. When the time has been right I have been lifted up, lifted out of a dark place and knowing that God wants to help me; that gives me hope. It gives me hope that whatever happens there will be an end and a new beginning. That whatever situation I am in, I am never alone. And that through the turmoil and distress, some day there will be peace and joy. The peace and joy is possibly the greatest gift we can receive and every ounce of suffering and every minute of crying is worth it to come out on the other side being wiser, bolder, and brighter.

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Who are You?

We have to know what we are when we are nothing. When there are so many things we think we need, endless lists of feelings, objects, experiences, people, expecting we will be satisfied in our gains. Satisfaction does not come from these unattainable external influences that we can waste a life-time searching for, unconsciously attempting to fill an echoing void within our beings.

Who are you? Without everything that you associate yourself with? Who are you without the hobbies, the job, the friends, the family, the home? Are you willing to discover what is underneath the flesh and bones? Can you uncover layers influenced by a mis-directed society and dissect the parts that are untrue?

Discard everything, and start again. End this way of living that is filled with dead-ends or lost dreams and start again. We do not run out of chances to start over and the only way to start over is to really know who you are. When you are nothing. You are a unique special human being living on this earth for a purpose only you can fulfil.

And when you love, dream, hope, cry, loose, struggle, believe and keep on pushing forward knowing that there is more to come you make it out on the other side, knowing, this is who I am, without any solid definition because you are free.

Happiness is dependant only on state of mind, on peace of mind. If you’re at peace you withstand all of life’s hurricanes. Find that peace, use your time wisely to go in search of those things that make your soul feel wholesome and your spirit uplifted so when winds blow and darkness comes knocking you know how to re-gain your peace, you know who you are and you know where you’re going. Look for the answers and they will find you when the time is right. But never stop looking, never stop wanting to know more, and never assume you know everything. The answers are out there drifting upon the winds waiting you to reach out and catch them with open palms. Keep reaching, keep looking up at the stars wondering where you came from, keep walking down empty streets, keep listening to the silence of the trees and trickling rivers, keep speaking to full moons, and keep questioning why you are here. You are not alone, and you are here for a reason.

Reading Old Diaries of a Different Self

As I pack my belongings for another time surrounded by cardboard boxes, stacks of books, clothes I discard to charity shops, and memories scribbled in diaries I read my past dreams and wonder how it was ever possible to of been all of those different people I once was.

A dream that has remained constant since I was 12 to find happiness; to end the suffering; to know love. When I was 14 I confessed considering cutting my wrists but cast this thought aside with an overpowering desire to see my future self. Even then in all of the darkness and loneliness I knew that some day it wouldn’t be painful to be alive and that someday struggling through without physically hurting myself would be worth it. Emotionally I caused myself a lot of pain but that was induced by low confidence and low self-esteem that I attempted to build by cutting out positive encouragement from magazines.

Still today, occasionally the feeling of lost desperation overtakes my passion to succeed in life and I become incapable of fighting for any dreams. My dreams always change. Lists of goals stain multiple white pages, a few fulfilled, always many incomplete. Does it matter that I have trails of unfulfilled dreams? Thinking that each of these goals will lead me to happiness and success and a better life than I have now. Thinking that by completing each goal I will improve myself, I will be a more valued human being, I will be more capable, I will have more rights to be alive because I am more useful to society. Truthfully if I am supposed to learn something it will be learned without my efforts. If there is a talent to be bestowed upon me it will naturally occur and lack of patience is the only enemy. So I trust in the universe that through the pain and the suffering however long it may last, on the other side there will be more than I could ever have dreamed of.

What to do about bullies?

 

In life people will manipulate you, mortify you, patronise you, disrespect you, and lie to you. What can we do? How are we to overcome the feelings that are initiated by these somewhat despicable human beings? In most cases I can sustain my inner peace. I am able to accept that nobody is perfect and people act in these ways for reasons that are out of their control. But why should I immediately forgive someone and keep quiet about persistent behaviour that is purposefully used in attempts to degrade my self-esteem, isolate me, and crush my spirits? This is what angers me most, and in these rare moments I feel the anger build up inside me to reach a point where my natural reaction is a desire to inflict pain using violence. I know this is not beneficial to me and it does not ensure that the person causing this pain feels remorseful or compassionate but I want them to know what I feel; I want them to understand the unwelcome feelings they create within my body; I want them to see how it’s not right, it’s not humane and it’s not the way they should treat fellow people. Yet they continue as if all is well with not a care in the world and treating other people in the same way. How do we put an end to this brutality that divides humanity? How do we teach these bullies a lesson so they will cease to be repeat offenders of emotional abuse?

 

Itchy feet

It’s been nine months since I landed in England but didn’t really stop travelling and in ways still haven’t now. For the first few months I stayed with my sister, then stayed at my father’s, before finding a house to rent with a couple of friends and next month I move again to rent a room in a family home with a lovely woman who is an art therapist. Each place in different locations made feasible via a flurry of six mediocre jobs in an attempt to keep myself afloat. A hard task starting from zero in constant upheaval.

My ideas have led to a possibility of studying again but this time Psychology with the Open University allowing me to fulfil my dreams of saving humanities’ emotional suffering after 6 years completion.

But always in my mind swimming around are thoughts of adventure. Escape! Freedom! Living with nature or exploring bountiful cultures! Feeling alive! Because there is no better way to feel alive than travelling. No other way to feel the beauty of your life stretching behind you in glorious sunsets parallel to feeling that every moment you live and every molecule of air you breathe is yours and you belong to it like it belongs to you. As if you are one together; living, breathing, loving with the magic of the universe. This is where you see real magic woven between Silver-birch trees and meshed within muddy footsteps leading you on a path known only to the stars. Bravery is your middle name, courage knows no fear except for sometimes in the night when you fear for your safety but you are safe and you are powerful and the only thing you can be more afraid of is yourself. Nothing can be more frightening than depths of a mind’s disease so you are, fearless. The way to realise is to throw yourself into the deep end before you’ve learned to swim so you have two choices and when you choose you will see all of the reasons you chose to survive, to smile, to hope, and to thrash your entire body just to keep your pulsating heart from sinking.