Strength in Weakness

Cultivating Heart

“The meaning of awe is to realize that life takes place under wide horizons, horizons that range beyond the span of an individual life or even the life of a nation, a generation, or an era. Awe enables usto perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal.”        {Abraham Joshua Heschel}

At the end of our darkest moments we crawl with the last energy that straggles from our fibres, holding on to the hope of a new day that will be brighter and more peaceful than the last. We grapple for something small to hold onto, something that stays with us in that quiet space where we battle with our demons. Sometimes all we can remember is that there will be a day that won’t be painful anymore and every day is worth fighting for because some day we will reach that perfect day.

In recent physical health struggles where I’m bound to my bed, I’m reminded that this is for a reason. I’m reminded that all of our experiences we live through are so that we can understand. So that I can have compassion for others. So that I can wait in patience for the discomfort to subside. This time knowing that I’m not alone. In these bouts of physical weakness I know that I will be made strong. As the pain gradually fades, my spirit is brought back to its’ still, tranquil solitude where even more so than before I am grateful for every spin the earth makes on its’ axis and for every step I can take. At the end of this suffering I can feel more gratitude for my body that is able, for this human body I have that shimmers in the sunlight; I’m more grateful for the peace of mind, for the sights and the sounds, for the ability to express myself freely through words, and for the ways that I can try harder to love my family.

These times of difficulty when we feel weakened in heart, when we feel broken, when we wonder how we can go on, they change our souls. They turn us inside out, twist us around, and spit us out so that we can be more beautiful than we ever were before.

{ETHER 12:27 “then will I make weak things become strong.”} The Book of Mormon

Discovering a God as a Father

In my first lesson at church of Gospel Principles we were asked ‘why are you at church today? What was the reason you got out of bed early on a Sunday morning and travelled to this chapel? Why are you here?’ My response was that I had finally discovered what that burning sensation in my chest was. To me, this warmth was pure love. It made me feel comforted, wholesome, and as though I was not alone in the world.

I believed in doing good deeds, the law of attraction, and the power of the human mind in its’ capabilities of controlling our own worlds or lives. I knew there was a oneness that connected all human beings and thought of this as a united consciousness. I recognised it as the power of the universe and gave thanks to the universe or spoke with the universe concerning my worries. There were always trails of events, people, places, that happened in such perfect timing not to be coincidental as if I was on a pathway already mapped out but not knowing the direction. Never did I think that this universe, this consciousness, was overlooked by a man. By a man who I would learn to be my Father, who I would grow to love more than anything else in this world. A man who created me, and who created the earth, and who created a divine plan so that I could live for eternity in his heavenly kingdom nestled beside parallel universes and multiple dimensions of no boundaries where my potential would explode into greatness beyond comprehension so that one day I would be the mother and creator of my own world. I chose this life, I chose my experiences and I create all that I am. But I am not in absolute control. I am in control of my choices, which lead to consequences. And now I have learned truthfully that by using all of my might and willpower to choose the positive, the safe, the pure, the meaningful, and the resistance towards mainstream culture, there will be rewards. And that burning in my chest is one of them. Rewards beyond this material dimension that allow your character to develop and your spirit to rejoice. Rewards that push you onwards, that remind you that you are strong enough to carry on through the struggles, and that in all of the suffering on the earth, there is hope that we are more than flesh, blood and death.

I felt the darkness, and I felt it alone. But it was all so that I would know the magnificent light that was waiting for me at the other end.