Just like after a physical trauma you might have to learn to walk again, with any kind of emotional trauma or mental illness you have to build yourself up again. I have worked for years to achieve emotional stability, confidence, a positive outlook on life, and inner happiness.
Money will come and go, material desires will come and go. But nothing is worth more than inner happiness. The struggles of unemployment, debt, and homelessness are no less challenging than other difficulties this life throws at us. I have been pushing forward, trying to break out of this viscous cycle for the past year. Moving in and out of houses, sleeping in beds that will never be mine, showering in bathrooms where my dreams were held hostage, and tip-toeing through corridors that didn’t want me on their carpets. With numbers in a bank account sinking and sinking, thinking and thinking about how I’ll eat, about worst case scenario of living in a tent. Mostly wondering, how I got there in the first place. Because it had always been like this in someway or another. Moving from house to house on bad terms, drowning in negative work environments where I felt separate from everyone else, and prioritising money for alcohol and cigarettes. I have changed a lot, in my values and ethics. Yet I am still in this struggling scenario of borrowing money for rent and being unable to emotionally cope with aggressive or draining work environments. I am more able to recognise these environments and although this is something that has strengthened, it means I am less willing to compromise and it means that if my inner happiness is threatened I will leave. I try to fight through and bring in the light but I have never been strong enough amongst all of the darkness so it creeps into my pores strangling streams of purity flowing through my veins. Then I wonder again, if ever I will fit in somewhere to make money and sustain this life.
I want one thing. Only freedom to be my authentic self. Un-tainted, pure, natural, loving and happy.
As this scenario happens again and again I am strengthened. This time I cannot deny that everything will be alright as I wipe away the tears, shake off my doubts and keep going, keep hoping and keep praying to know the right thing to do.